


Bang, Marry, or Kill

by fennecfawkes



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: M/M, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-12
Updated: 2014-01-12
Packaged: 2018-01-08 12:32:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1132694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fennecfawkes/pseuds/fennecfawkes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Our heroes play a game or two and feelings get involved. Characters are not my own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bang, Marry, or Kill

“OK, how about Thor, Loki, and Jane?” Clint offered.  
  
Natasha snorted. On the screen, her Chun-Li performed a finishing move on his Ryu. Clint refrained from pouting. “Kill Loki, obviously. Bang Jane and marry Thor.”  
  
“I think I’m with you on this one,” said Clint. “Marriage doesn’t necessitate sex. Although I might be willing to go a round with Thor if it meant having Jane forever.”  
  
“She wouldn’t have you in the first place,” Natasha countered. “Rematch?”  
  
“No, I’m next,” Tony announced, all but throwing himself between them on the couch and swiping Clint’s controller. “And who wouldn’t have Hawky in the first place? Well, who, of many?”  
  
“Dick,” Clint said fondly. “We were playing Bang, Marry, or Kill.”  
  
“Who were the choices?”  
  
“The god of thunder, the asshole of mischief, and Thor’s girlfriend,” said Natasha. “Personally, I think the choice is rather obvious.”  
  
“Right, you sleep with Jane and marry the guy with the hammer, and you definitely kill the little bastard in green,” Tony said. “Ryu, Barton? Really? You know it’s all about Zangief.”  
  
“Your level of familiarity with Street Fighter II is a little alarming,” said Clint. “Anyway, I was weighing the merits of marrying Jane when you stole my spot.”  
  
“I didn’t steal your spot, just your controller. Let’s do another.”  
  
“OK.” Clint rubbed his hands together. “Oh, I got one! Hill, Coulson, or Fury.”  
  
“We’re really fixated on the male/male/female combination, aren’t we? Damn, Romanoff, you’re good.”  
  
“I know,” said Natasha. “I hate to be predictable, but I’d sleep with Maria, marry Coulson, and kill Fury.”  
  
“No, no, no,” Tony said. “Ha! Got ya. Coulson would be a lousy husband but a great lay.”  
  
Clint snorted. “I’m writing that down.”  
  
“I’m sure if you knew how to write, you would,” said Tony. “And who’s to say he wouldn’t be?”  
  
“Why are you questioning his spousal skills?” asked Natasha. “And I beat you.”  
  
“Let’s go again.”  
  
“When do I get a turn?” Clint whined.  
  
“When the grownups are done, sweetheart,” Tony said. “Anyway, he’d either be talking about his miraculous resurrection and how grateful he is to be alive or going on and on about how much he loves Steve. There’d be no time for him to make dinner or do the dishes or vacuum.”  
  
“I’d say that’s a fair point, but that would be dignifying your ideas with a serious response,” said Clint. “I’d marry Maria, kill Coulson, and bang Fury, just to say I did.”  
  
“I didn’t know you felt that way about Maria,” Natasha said.  
  
“She’s hot,” said Clint with a shrug.  
  
“Who’s hot?” Steve sat down in front of Tony. “And can I have a shot next?”  
  
“Maria, and sure, I’m ready for a break from kicking Stark’s ass anyway,” said Natasha, KO-ing Tony’s Zangief before handing the controller off to Steve. “We’re also playing Bang, Marry, or Kill.”  
  
“I’m not familiar with that game,” Steve said, brow furrowed. “Also, I’d rather be a different character.” Unsurprisingly, Steve selected Guile.  
  
“You would go with the spec ops guy,” said Tony. “Pretty basic game, Cap.”  
  
“Steve.”  
  
“Yup, that’s you. Anyway, someone lists off three names, and you decide which person you’d want to join in a life of wedded bliss, which you’d like to ruthlessly murder, and which you’d prefer to, well, you know what banging is, right?”  
  
“Yes, Tony, I know what banging is,” Steve said wearily while Clint and Natasha snickered. “Agent Hill was one of your previous options, then?”  
  
“Hill, Fury, and Coulson.”  
  
“Kill Coulson, sleep with Hill, marry Fury,” said Steve instantly. Tony dropped his controller and all three turned to stare at Steve.  
  
“The instantaneous nature of your response is, frankly, alarming, Steven,” Tony said. “Can we get some sort of justification for your choices?”  
  
“Coulson’s hero worship can get tiresome,” said Steve. “Agent Hill’s quite attractive, and Fury would be a fine provider.”  
  
“Those ... aren’t terrible points,” Clint said slowly.  
  
“Not terrible, but still oddly disturbing.” Tony shook his head. “And hey, that wasn’t fair, you kept playing even after you’d rendered me speechless!”  
  
“You were never speechless, Tony,” said Steve. “We can go another round if you think you can win.”  
  
“Of course I can win,” Tony said, half-grumbling. “But only if Barton comes up with another set of names.”  
  
“How about the other three people in the room?” Clint smirked.  
  
“That seems dangerous,” said Natasha.  
  
“And potentially hurtful,” Tony said. “Let’s do it. Barton, you thought of it, you start.”  
  
“Kill Stark, bang Cap, marry Natasha,” said Clint without thinking.  
  
“I had to explain myself before,” Steve said. “Shouldn’t he?”  
  
“Well, probably going to do that last one at some point,” said Clint, grinning at Natasha, who reached around Tony to swat Clint on the arm.  
  
“Wait, was that an admission I heard?” asked Tony. “Are you two together? Did I interrupt a date?”  
  
“Yes, yes, and no, we don’t go on dates,” Natasha said. “Really, you couldn’t tell we were in a relationship?”  
  
“I don’t think anyone can,” said Steve. “But congratulations are in order, I suppose. Why do you want to kill Tony, Clint?”  
  
“It’s not that I want to kill Tony,” Clint said. “It’s that if I’m given the choice between going at it with Stark or a superhuman who’s probably an incredible lay, well, seems obvious, right?”  
  
“You wound me, Barton,” said Tony. “Romanoff?”  
  
“I would love to fuck with Clint’s emotions and say I’d marry Steve,” Natasha said. “Actually, being married to Steve probably isn’t a bad option. Ooh, nice KO, soldier.”  
  
“It was, wasn’t it?” Steve smiled and mock-saluted Natasha. “But you’d still pick Clint, right? Since he’s the person you’re not dating but are seeing?”  
  
“Right. Marry Clint, sleep with Stark, kill—no, I can’t do that to the world. Marry Clint, sleep with Steve, kill Tony, see Clint’s answer for the underlying logic.”  
  
“It’s a good thing your ego was so enormous to begin with, Stark,” said Clint. “And I think it’s your turn.”  
  
“Kill Natasha, because she’d probably kill me if I laid a hand on her,” Tony said. “Lights out, no-kissing-allowed sex with the Hawk, because if I don’t have to see him, I guess it’s acceptable. And holy matrimony with Steve, because who could ask for a better husband than America’s favorite soldier? He cooks, he cleans, his ass looks great in sweatpants, what more could you want?”  
  
“I think this is flattery I’m feeling, but I’m not entirely sure,” said Steve.  
  
“It’s your turn, you know,” Natasha said, patting Steve on the shoulder.  
  
“Well.” Steve ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t really want to kill any of you.”  
  
“That’s sweet,” said Clint. “But you have to. It’s a rule.”  
  
“Well, you told me to burn my favorite shirt last week, so I guess it’s you, then. I kill Clint because he hurt my feelings.”  
  
“Stark critiques your wardrobe every day!” Clint protested.  
  
“But I do it out of love,” said Tony.  
  
“I sleep with, or, I suppose, bang Natasha, because she’s gorgeous—”  
  
“Aw, thanks.”  
  
“And because she’s strong enough that I wouldn’t be too worried about hurting her, especially since it’s just one time. And I marry Tony.”  
  
Clint made a garbled noise that might’ve been laughter. “OK, I’m going to need a justification for that, soldier.”  
  
“Tony talks a big game, but at his core, he’s a very genuine person,” said Steve, sounding as though his words were chosen carefully. “He’s brilliant, obviously, and he takes care of his own. He let us all live here when he didn’t have to—he said Fury pushed him into it, but he was lying. I also find him easy to read, which would help in marriage. He can’t really cook, but I don’t mind cooking. And he’s not particularly neat, but he has robots to take care of that for him. And,” Steve said with some finality, “he’s great to look at. I don’t suppose you need much more than that.”  
  
There was a collective pause. Several long seconds later, Clint stood and stretched.  
  
“Dinner?” He turned to Natasha, who nodded and followed him out. Steve stayed put, silent, and Tony slid down to the floor next to him.  
  
“So. Steve.”  
  
Steve looked over at him and smiled. “You did it. No Cap, no Spangles, not even Steven. I knew you could.”  
  
“Quit being cute,” said Tony. “I’m trying to talk to you about something.”  
  
“I have a pretty good guess at what it is,” Steve said. “Are you sure you don’t just want to forget that I all but declared my undying love for you a minute ago?”  
  
“I’d rather not.” Tony kept his tone measured and quiet as he lifted his hand and ran his thumb along Steve’s jaw. “You know, your jawline is fucking perfect.”  
  
“Thanks,” Steve said softly.  
  
“But you’re all wrong about me.”  
  
“How?”  
  
“Well, I think ‘great to look at’ might be a bit of an exaggeration,” said Tony, his hand now resting at the side of Steve’s neck. “Devastatingly handsome, sure, but you don’t want to look too long, you know? And I can cook. I just choose not to. And how do you know how well you can read me?”  
  
“I can read that you desperately want to kiss me right now, but you haven’t figured out exactly what clever line you can feed me before doing it.” Steve smiled wryly and leaned a bit closer to Tony.  
  
“OK, maybe you were right about that part.”  
  
“I like that you’re clever,” said Steve. “Really, I do. But you don’t have to impress me, Tony. You’re well past that.”  
  
“You know, I meant it when I picked you, too. I just didn’t ... You know, Clint, Natasha, showing emotion in front of them, et cetera.”  
  
“I’m pretty sure I know how you feel about me.” Steve cleared his throat. “But you could, you know, demonstrate that.”  
  
“Oh, right! Clever line goes here when I’ve had the time to think of one, and I don’t plan on having that kind of time soon,” said Tony, closing the distance between them.


End file.
